This week's betch of the week may not necessarily be a betch in all senses of the word, but she's undoubtedly one of our idols. She's skinz, pretty, and PAINFULLY funny. No like, it really really hurts when we watch anything she does, whether it's an SNL skit or when she's ready to party with the best of them and she's going down to the river, our core's are definitely getting a workout. So who is she? She's mean, she's lean, she's from upstate New York, she's Kristen Wiig.

Introducing our new column, Sexts and Sub-text. If you like Ask a Pro, you'll really love this shit.

Raise your hand if you've ever been personally victimized by the White Haired Man.

The finale was so ridiculous that it actually made fun of itself. Firstly, the ep was called Reckoning, as in, I reckon youz fucking pregnant. Seriously though when Jack finds out Emanda is the real Amanda he's going to be like, then who's this whore I knocked up!? But couldn't Jack at least have told Emanda that Amanda was prego like, over the phone as to avoid that awkward confrontation. Once again, this information might have been helpful YESTERDAY.

The 41-year-old daughter-in-law of the cofounder of Nike goes to prom with her 17-year-old student. The teacher/track coach whose husband is 73 says she felt bad for the student who didn’t have a date. We’re sure what she really meant was she felt bad for herself for having to fuck a saggy assed 73-year-old and needed a night out. She said they slow danced to a few songs and played foosball and ping pong which leads to the bigger questions in all of this. What kind of poor ass prom was this?

"The invention of Instagram. For those of you who aren't familiar, it's about to be the next big thing, so you better get on the Instagram train and fast." - we said this, #68 The iPhone Switch, July 25th, 2011

Memorial Day Weekend is here, and you know what that means? Absolutely nothing. Actually no, Tan Your Back Sunday adopts a second name and that is, Blackout Sunday. So put on your Sunday best kids, we're going to tan, drink, tan some more, nap, pregame, and blackout.

Holy single mother of God. We couldn't wait to wake up and verbally (writingly?) defile whoever decided to have the breakout stars of Sesame Street act out half of The Bachelorette...a show that ends at 11pm. What age group do they think is watching this? Is ABC so poor now that they need a stipend from the Muppets!?

Dear Pro,

I'm a recent college grad and I guess I'm looking for a job. Anyways in my interviews I usually go for a "nice girl" approach. I trick them into thinking I'm sweet and boring, then I surprise them later by being hilarious and loud. But I was thinking this is real job time and being a betch will get you further, being cut-throat, out-smarting nice girls to get them to do your work , etc. So should I show that side of me at the interview or hit them with it later?

Thanks,

"...I'm from Michigan" - (Mean) Girls

So this episode was just a giant Hannah fest, which makes us wonder where were Shosh Jess and Marnie!? Well, Marnie was probs still trying to figure out how to get home from her boyfriend's apartment that she's never been to. Jessa was probably like, knitting underwear or something. And Shosh was definitely spending her week in therapy after her voyeur experience. Was I supposed to be turned on by watching my cousin getting fucked? Does that make me a lesbian, omg I'm totes a lesbian.

We're going to start with a very small apology for skipping last week's recap. After receiving many threatening emails/comments/blocked phone calls beginning Monday evening which didn't stop until Friday, we realized just how significant the Mad Men recap is to all of your lives. It just goes to show we all want what we can't have. Anyway, all that happened last week was that Betty joined Weight Watchers and Sally proved to be a bigger bitch than we had hoped. All is well in Rye, New York.

Dear Betch,

I need some serious help. When I was a senior in high school I thought it would be super artsy and cool of me to go to an elite art school. Well it fucking blows, I'm not even kidding the kids are total freaks and all the boys are gay! It works for my advantage most of the time, but they don't even appreciate how fucking amazing I am so I have to get the hell out of here.

Apparently these days everyone can't get enough of the adorable mini-betches Sophia Grace and Rosie, we only know this because we too have clocked some well-managed time watching their narcissistically endearing videos. This celeb duo was discovered on YouTube by America's favorite funny lesbian DeGeneres and imported from England to randomly be her proteges, of all things.

Based on the amount of times they mentioned the White Haired Man last night, you'd think Christmas was coming early. Nolan and Emanda are the Hampton's Cheech and Chong yet they can't figure out this elderly man's name? What about just calling him 'the old dude'?

Nolan: What are you gonna do next Em?
Emanda: I'm gonna create a reason for them to meet again, then I'm gonna track the White Haired Man to where he's hiding
Nolan: And then?
Emanda: You know what...I'm going to dye his hair...brown.

JWoww starts a Twitter war with Bristol Palin over her comments that gay marriage shouldn’t be legal because "it’s important for kids to have a mom and a dad in the house." Since Bristol’s baby daddy Levi Johnston has been shacking up with his new girlfriend and their daughter BJ, this statement gives stupid an entirely different meaning. But while Bristol might be Alaska’s most moronic teen mom, JWoww probs also shouldn’t be giving parenting advice.

"Dr. Drew says you could get a prolapsed anus from that shit" - Marcy Runkle, Californication

Jambo! Sup betches. There's nothing like a gorgeous Wednesday afternoon to take some fucking shots. Like we say, hump day is for nice girls. So, last week's Love This Song was dedicated to Electric Daisy Carnival's first voyage to New York City. Get pumped betches it'll be like rolling with Henry fucking Hudson.

Last night's Bachelorette proved that the season to come will either be extremely entertaining or unbearably nauseating....it's like, say gee golly wiz ONE more time. But in all honesty we're just looking forward to watching the sexual tension between Chris B. Harrison and Ems. Gotta love Chris B, though. He councils Emily, and advises against her telling the men she wants a minivan full of babies. I think I over-committed with nine, six is a comfortable number. He also asks if she wants to get it in real quick… he hasn’t gotten laid since his separation.

Dear Pro,

So it turns out everyone on this show is a bat shit little perv, some more than others. Cue Adam's masturbation sequence, in which you could clearly see that the apex of his dick aligned horizontally with his headboard, it was like he was stroking a fucking broomstick.

Dear Betch,

My boss is your average asshole pro. However, he has been a reeeeeeal gigantic prick lately (flipping out about little stuff like his office being too hot) and i'm overit.com. I'm weighing the pros/cons and am wondering your thoughts on slipping some kpins in his coffee?

Sincerely,

Wondering how much longer i have to pretend i want a career